Dear Jim The Anvil Nighthart,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I escorted you guys backstage in Canada during part of the Hart Attack Tour in `94.

My question: You may remember, I was telling you guys at the time that it had always been my dream to start up my own theater troupe. Well... GUESS WHO'S STARTED UP HIS OWN THEATER TROUPE???

My financial backers have suggested we start with an adaptation of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew, and naturally, we thought of you for the lead role (Petruchio). Not to worry; this would be a "less formal" version of the original script, so you could feel free to improvise the dialogue with your patented wrestling catchphrases. To wit: 

TRANIO
And tells us, what occasion of import Hath all so long detain'd you from your wife, And sent you hither so unlike yourself?

PETRUCHIO
Tedious it were to tell, and harsh to hear: Sufficeth I am come - YEAH DADDY - to keep my word, Though in some part enforced to digress; Which, at more leisure, I will so excuse As you shall well be satisfied withal. DA HA HA HA! But where is Kate? I stay too long from her: The morning wears, 'tis time we were at church YEAH, BABY, YEAH!

Anyways, that's just an example. You can improvise any way you want. The way we figure it, our theatergoers (marks) would pay big bucks to see a legend such as yourself doing legitimate theater. Please let me know ASAP. Our other choice is Buff Bagwell. I'd rather it be you.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Mr. Nighthart,

Bad news.

I tried contacting you at your home office yesterday, but to no avail. It turns out, our theater's board of directors have voted overwhemingly AGAINST our plan for "Shakespeare In The Park With The Anvil".

For one thing, they opposed the idea of having people perform in the chilly December weather here in Toronto. Also, they don't think you would make a suitable Petruchio. And finally, I've been indicted, which doesn't really concern you, but it helps explain the INSANE situation going on here.

They are now going in a brand new direction: the hit musical "Scherer!", which focuses on the story of a webmaster from Dayton, Ohio. Stuart Stone, star of films such as Donnie Darko and The Boys Club, is set to star. So I just thought I'd ask you... what's your singing like?

Cheers, 
Canadian Bulldog

Awaiting reply…

Dear Ollie Anderson,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was one of the boys in the back the night you did the "kicked out of the Horsemen" angle.

I just read your new book and I am quite impressed. I truly believe your style of booking was effective and not "stupid" or "outdated" like Meltzer keeps saying.

My question: We are holding a show in January at the Toronto War Veterans Memorial Coliseum and want YOU to be our special guest timekeeper. What would happen is that our champion, Matt "Satan" Hocking would call out the challenger Johnny ITR. But Johnny wouldn't show and then... YOU WOULD AGREE TO TAKE HIS PLACE!!! It would be the event of the century. Those dumb marks everywhere wouldn't know what to think. Hocking would go over clean.

Anyways, let me know what you think ASAP. It's either you or Duke "The Dumpster" Drossey at this point -- I'd much rather it be you.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear "New" Jack,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) I met you at one of the XPW shows, you called me a "dumb..." well, I can't repeat the rest here in print!

Hopefully, this e-mail reaches you once you are out of prison. They don't have access to Yahoo Mail in jail. Do they?

My question: would you be interesting in making a personal appearance... for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party next month? They were HUGE ECW marks back in the day -- grams actually made grandpa blade one time, but it was all a work.

Anyways, the appearance would be for 30 minutes, tops. You would show up, pose and possibly jump off the upstairs banister (it's not a big drop -- let's be honest; I could almost clear it myself and I'm kind of a wimp). Then help yourself to a piece of cake and that's it. You could certainly stay longer if you like; we're in no way kicking you out.

So what do you think? Please let me know ASAP. Also, if you need a file smuggled into prison or something - holla back.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear "New" Jack,

We only have about 50 dollars in the budget.
 

Awaiting reply…

Dear American Dream Dustey Roads,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We go back to the Florida days; I was a curtain-jerker.

My question: I run a cable-access station out of Toronto these days and we've been trying to get a new culinary show on the air ever since "Cooking With Hocking" was cancelled. So our board of directors met today and thought who better than... YOU?

Let's face it; you carried programs such as WCW Saturday Night and the other WCW show with your boundless charisma. I can see it now - you'd talk the audience up into a frenzy and then deliver a bionic elbow to tenderize a cut of steak. The show practically writes itself!

So what do you say? Does your position as owner of NWA T&A prohibit you from having FUN and working other television shows? Please let me know ASAP. This show has 'ratings gold' written all over it, if you will.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Agent for Dusty Roads,

Thanks for the compliment. Unfortunately, we have hit what's known in the business as a "snag" with respect to the proposed "Fine Cuisine With The American Dream" program.

You see, the Powers-That-Be on our network are now asking for something more "hip", more "edgy" and more "je ne sais quois". They tell us that cooking shows are behind the times, and firing Matt Hocking was simply the final step towards that solution.

With than in mind -- the producers now want a talk-show style program about the Canadian Peace Party, a quasi-political organization that supports the legalization of marijuana. Would your client be interested in hosting that program instead?

While I was initially against this idea, the producers locked me in a room for 12 hours straight until I thought the same way they did. This is RATINGS GOLD!!! It will be something that teenagers can watch with their middle-aged hippie parents. That is a quality demographic we're going after.

Anyways, please let me know if this would still work. I really don't want to have to get locked in the green room again.

Cheers, 
Canadian Bulldog

Awaiting reply…

Dear Le Parka,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Me and Juventud go waaaay back.

As you may remember, I run Canadian Bulldog Medical Supplies out of Toronto. We basically sell anything you could think of - stethoscopes, blood pressure testers, even those popsicle sticks you stick down patients throats.

My question: Our board of directors is developing a new type of skeleton that will help children remember which bones go where in the human body. We wanted to pattern this character after YOUR likeness. It would have the hood and everything. It may also hold a folding metal chair (haven't decided on that yet, though).

So what do you think? It would be very easy to create, between the photos on your Geocities website and the pictures I took of you years ago when you were changing in the locker room. Let me know your thoughts ASAP.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Le Parka's Agent,

Thanks for the compliment. By the way, who is this "Adolfo" you speak of?

These skeletons that we're manufacturing are HIGH-QUALITY, biologically-correct and have pre-recorded sayings (when you press a button), such as "Brush your teeth" and "The kneebone is connected to the jawbone," et cetera. It will also probably dance.

Unfortunately, at this time, we are not able to provide fees to your client, though it could certainly be written up in prominent medical journals such as the Jeb Lund Journal of Alternative Health. That alone is publicity you just can't buy!

Please let me know ASAP if this can be arranged. It's either a Le Parka model or one that looks like Skeletor (of He-Man and The Masters of The Universe fame). "By the power of Greyskull -- I HAVE THE POWER!!!"

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Le Parka's Agent,

Thanks for the compliment. We have a small web presence here that outlines our key objectives and tells the "story" about our business.

I checked with our Chief Medical Officer Cory Harris, and he says that, at this point, the research and development team doesn't have any prototypes of the product to share with the general public. I did see one at our board conference back in September and trust me, it looks fantastic! It stands at about 5"7, weighs less than 30 pounds, and has all kinds of realistic-looking bones.

As far as cartoons, toys, shirts and things go -- look, we don't want to get involved in any of that shit. Our business is high-quality medical solutions; not merchandise. Your client is more than welcome to pursue all the opportunities that arise from that.

We're just trying to make the world a better place through the advent of medical skeletons that hold metal folding chairs. That's it; it's not rocket science.

I've also been told that we could "comp" your client one of the skeletons when completed, so if he wants to use it for promotional purposes, or as a stunt double (assuming he acts in movies) -- go nuts. That's what it's there for.

So hopefully, we can work together on this project.

Cheers, 
Canadian Bulldog, MD

Dear Agent,

Thanks for the compliment!!! Look forward to hearing from you.. Bulldog

Awaiting reply…

Dear Cauliflower Alley Club Board of Directors:

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Wrestling Eye once said of me that "there should be more veterans out there who are as willing (as Bulldog) to pass the torch to the next generation".

I am enquiring today about why I have been overlooked -- again -- from your fine organization's hall of fame. Was it something I said in the dirt sheets? I think my record in this business speaks for itself, but just a few highlights of my career:

- Started career in Mexico, 1966, as "Perro de presa Canadianese". Won EMLL tag team title, though decision was reversed, in 1968.

- Appeared twice on WMC-TV in Memphis, 1977: Once as a jobber, the other time in the audience.

- Faced numerous legends in Toronto's storied Maple Leaf Gardens in the 70's, including Pepper Gomes, The Original Shiek, Masa Saito and Jeb Tennyson Lund.

- AWA World Champion (not *the* AWA, mind you) in 1979, defeating Stuart Stone. Title was vacated once promoters were indicted.

- Kicked out of Missouri territory in 1980 for refusing to job to Kevin Von Erich (I mean, come on!).

- Refused Vince McMahon's invitation to become a road agent in 1982.

So that said, I think I should definitely be included in our hall of fame. The WWE jerks certainly aren't going to induct me, and I've been "shut out" of Meltzer's incestous little HOF as well. I probably don't have much time left on this earth; I want to be immortalized.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear Sir,

With all due respect, I cannot, in good conscience, compare my career with those people you've mentioned. Obviously, I accomplished much, much more than they did.

I mean, let's start with Oliver Humperdink. What did he ever do, apart from appearing in the WWF for a few weeks with Bamam Bigelow? And Paul Christy - wasn't he a jobber in the WWF? I mean, why not induct Iron Mike Sharp and Silent Brian MacNie while we're at it? And "Bunnie Love"? I'm sorry, but that was my least favorite of all his characters. You'd be far better off to induct his Mankind or Cactus Jack Manson personas, in my humble opinion.

As far as "substantial proof" goes, look no further than the May 1989 edition of Wrestling Eye with Randy Savage on the front (Cover story: Savage to Hogan: "Yer dead meat! Ooooh Yeahhh!"), where my entire career is chronicled. Also made the Apter mags every once in a while, usually in the "Where Are They Now?" section. They didn't know what I was really up to, so they made up b.s. like "real estate", et cetera. Meanwhile, they had Billy Jack Haynes prepping for a comeback every five months and the Bulldog gets squat. You know?

Anyways, I hope my arguments have been persuasive enough to gain induction into your Hall of Fame. I wouldn't want to have to do a "run-in" during the ceremony.

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Dear sir,

Thanks for the compliment!!!

Peace, out, 
Canadian Bulldog

Strangely, I never heard from either party. But I'm sure it's all just a political thing. Stupid lousy politics…

Anyways, if you have thoughts, questions or any wrestler e-mails for me (Letters From A Nut will live to see another day, I guarantee you that much!), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.